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Downward Spiral

kyuhyun-centric
pg, 783 words
depression, angst, loneliness



When he first joined Super Junior, no one paid much attention to him. He came in at a time they had a new single out, so everyone was busy. Even when they practiced he wasn't noticed until his part came up. He liked to think that they already accepted him, and that his presence was just as natural as the air around them. What he didn't know was that they thought he was merely a body in the way of their dancing.

The thoughts between the whole and the individual were completely different, and that the whole did not think much of this individual. Coming in at such a time, and making an even number odd, they didn't want him around much. Though over the years they've accepted the fact that they couldn't do anything about it, so he became "that kid that's there, what's his face." He felt he was "the new magnae of the group that's hard to miss."

And so the car accident came, and no one really visited him. They did, but only for show, then after the cameras went off he was alone again. He was starting to realize his value to the others, and it hurt. More so now that he's in the hospital.

And after many lonely months in that room he was finally released. He didn't care if he could dance again, since he sung anyway, and he almost didn't care to walk again. Life as he knew it was all in that room. White walls, white gowns, white space. No people to fill in the color for him.

So the days came and went. They had their second album without him, and he had an epiphany. When, he wondered, will I become more than another body in the way? Why can't I shine with the others? Why am I here?

Many questions, zero answers, he stumbled through life as a new man. But then that show came, and he was on the most wanted team. He knew they wouldn't throw him away like they did the other team because of his injuries, so he played along. Times like these he had a name, a place, and a family. He had everything everyone thought he had when he joined.

And shooting the arrows? Very difficult, even to the best of them. But he practiced. Not to make it seem like he cared, but to shoot the dream he never experienced. The middle was the hopes he still held on, the lies he led himself to believe, the little boy who was shoved into this world, and he shot it down.

Smiling never felt so real, and pride never so sweet. The others cheered him on, and were happy to see the chance of moving indoors where there's heat. He knew it, but he liked to think half of it was for him.

Then the bomb dropped. Super Junior M. He felt as though they were throwing him away just to get rid of the mild annoyance he caused just breathing. Sure, he thought, shove me to a new country when I don't know any Chinese and make it seem like I'm ok even though I still feel slight pain doing the most basic hip thrust. Not like it affects me much.

But he knew it did, and for once they did, too. But when you are showcased liked the rarest diamond, you tend to get close to who you're with. And they started to find out things about him they never knew during the two years he was with most of them.

But, to him, it was too little, too late. The seed that they planted has grown into a weed, festering and soiling everything in sight. The pain of loneliness while being in a crowd was second nature by now, and he couldn't take it any longer.

So he found himself a nice little rooftop, and sat along the edge. If, he pondered, I were to jump, would it even matter? Am I so far gone that doing this would make me feel even emptier? Oh, how far I have fallen, and how fall I want to fall to end it all. I just give up.

With those words he got up from the edge and went back inside. Got on the elevator to go to the lobby, and left through the back door. When he closed the door he knew he was closing everything he couldn't have and what little he did have. Calmly, as if the last two years were but only a memory from long ago, he walked the streets, destination unknown, but with a lighter heart and a real smile.


11.24pm, better than yesterday^^ inspired by the comments left of "Only 14?"
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